The First Father's Day

A seasoned father must be accustomed to spending time away from his family. I guess the accumulated time gathered in daily life deposits a positive sum of memories and garners a confidence borne of full days and successes. I wonder too, how many fathers have had to sacrifice time with their loved ones to attend to business, emergencies needing attention, or duties in their family's stead. This, my first Father's Day, I spend alone.

I left my family at the beach house early Saturday afternoon upon hearing our young dog sitter wasn't willing to complete her task. As I turned on the car's stereo, my dad's CD player, containing string arrangements of Beatles' tunes began to play a mournful rendition of Eleanor Rigby, quite possibly the saddest pop song ever crafted. As I waved to my wife, willfully leaving one of my favorite places, and the opportunity to introduce my daughter to the Atlantic for her first time, I was proud to know I behaved responsibly. Sacrifice is a large part of parenting. I have stumbled upon a feeling I have feared for years, and largely avoided for most of my life: Adulthood.

Surprise to discover I fit this new coat well. It is sturdy, heavy cloth. New, but not starched or store bought. It feels hand made and custom tailored. It seems to change colors in different lights, sometimes somber, then festive, then a comforting hue. It is my favorite garment. I used to find it old fashioned and tiresome. Now I think it becomes me.

I look so forward to seeing my daughter each day. Her face is always full of smiles. That she knows me, and says so when she sees me, is my proudest moment. Any day with these gifts is better than any without. Travel seems hollow if I am not by my daughter and wife's side. That will pass into that confident security allowed veteran fathers, I'm sure. But that brass pang that sticks in my heart when I am alone and thinking of my girls stays with me. I hope.